Soooo.

Ummm. Yeah. That Brandon thing. He’s um.. He’s not really been out of town for the holidays. If you’ve been corresponding with him on Facebook and Twitter or ManlyTwinkBear.com, you’ve been chatting with me. I don’t really want to go into it too much at the moment. Just know, Sweden, that Brandon is doing…um…great. Supposedly. I think. Brandon is alive.

I know Brandon is alive because I have been in communication with him for the past two weeks. Well, let me phrase that differently. I have been communicating at Brandon for the past two weeks. I just got back from “downtown.” It’s cool, though. All taken care of. I think. Anyways, since I was temporarily indisposed there wasn’t really time to craft an essay. But, I did manage to retain the notes I have been leaving for Brandon. I hope they serve to tickle your humor buds.

December 22, 2008
Hey, duder. Just wanted to let you know that A TSAT CAROL is getting rave reviews in Sweden, and believe it or not, The Vatican. Turns out TSAT is a “guilty pleasure” for the Catholics. Get it? I said “guilty pleasure.” You know, the whole Catholic guilt thing? I hope you get that man. Do you!? God damn it, Brandon, give me some sort of signal that you get it. A tap, a grunt. Something! You know what, jerkcock? This is exactly why all of this shit happened! You’re selfish, and you don’t get jokes! Oh, you go around on the World Wide Interwebz telling everyone that you are the “funny-maker” and “the brains” and “the illustrator” and “the backbone” of TSAT. Well, guess what champ. YOU’RE NOT! Whatever. Talk to you later, dickmouth.

December 23, 2008
Okay, I just found the last note I left for you all crumpled up. What is that supposed to mean? Listen, pal. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. You are my little prince. Anyhoo, I just got a message on Facebook from one of your pals asking if you’d be interested in doing some illustrating work for some sort of nerd site. They were offering $100. I went ahead and turned down the offer - or at least hold out for some more. I mean, your “doodles,” as Snake calls them, are at least okay, and I think $100 is way beyond reasonable, but I honestly think I can have them double that. Maybe. Probably not. Anyways, your right hand is still working right? That’s your doodling hand, right? I don’t really pay attention to these things.

December 23, 2008
All right you cumsock, I just found the other note all crumpled up. It’s all sticky and red. Are you bleeding? I thought we took care of that. I’ll get to the store and get some more duct tape and gauze. Jesus Christ, man. You bleed more than a woman.

Anyways, that guy who wanted you to do the doodle wouln’t offer up any more money. In fact, he said, “Just forget it, Brandon.” I told him, or YOU told him as it were, that he can “go fuck his mother.” He told him his mom just passed away, so I told him to “go fuck her anyways.” It’s cool though because you got another offer to illustrate. Who knew you were so popular? The dude said he wanted a picture of a superhero just lounging. Weird. Since it looks like you won’t be doing the illustrating yourself, I went ahead and drew it myself. Take a look:

December 24, 2008
Santa said he wasn’t going to bring you anything because you keep acting like a douchewad and crumpling up my notes. That last one was just kind of pink, so it looks like the bleeding has slowed. Duct tape use #324: tourniquet for blender-mangled arm.

December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas little guy. I felt like a jerk for that last note I left you. You’re not really a “douchewad” most of the time. It’s just that sometime you do these things, and I feel it’s my duty as a friend to set you straight. And quite frankly I wanted to make it up to you. So this morning while you were still all zonked out from the chloroform, I took you outside for some fresh air. You seemed to really like it because the only time you made a really REALLY sad face was when I put out a cigarette on your forehead. Don’t worry, I plan to use our tattoo equipment to cover up the burn. Here’s an illustration of what it will look like before and after:

I’m sure you can tell, but my artistic skills are almost surpassing yours now! Two functional arms rule! HEY-OOOO!

December 26, 2008
You looked so peaceful sleeping last night. So peaceful and yearning… And, if for some reason you remember what I did, you had better keep your mouth shut! It’s not gay! I saw it on a prison show, and it’s what inmates do to show power. I am the powerful one in this relationship. No matter what you said prior to this whole debacle, I was always the funny one. Yes, I may be predisposed to draw dicks and make cum jokes, but it’s because that’s what funny. Anyways, I’ll bring you some pain killer later because I really did a number on your… yeah. Cheers, Prag!

December 27, 2008
I am really glad I had those extra roofies on hand. Dude, your arm started to smell like almonds and ranch dressing this morning. I think I should have changed the gauze earlier. Irrelevant. You may have noticed I didn’t fold up this note. Because I care.

You know that really crazy homeless guy down by the 7-Eleven? The one who used to hang with Igor? I have no idea what his name is, so I started calling him “Garbage.” Well, I went to get some coffee this morning while I thought about what I should do about that arm thing. As I walked out, Garbage told me he was hungry, so I told him to hop in the car, and I’d take him to get breakfast. Anyways, your necrotized arm is all taken care of.

December 29, 2008
I figured you could go a day or two without water because you’ve been drooling so much. You were much dryer this morning. I lifted your good arm up, and the skin kind of tore. Eww.

December 30, 2008
Did you notice the TV? I went shopping today and got the first season of The Hills for you. I figure you must be getting kind of bored by yourself. I also stopped by Audry’s Adult and got you a prosthetic arm. I drew you a picture of what you will look like!

By the way, can you try and not shit as much on yourself? The room is really starting to stink.

December 31, 2008
You don’t really need your eardrums, right? I mean, I don’t even talk to you, and it seems our communication with each other is great with my notes. Anyways, get ready for a GREAT New Years fireworks show tonight!

January 1, 2009
Happy New Year! Man, if we keep up all this partying, me and you, then you won’t have any limbs by 2010! Ha! Did you like the show? I think that last rocket blew up too close to your leg. I think that’s going to have to go. Well, if so, we’ll just let it ripen up a bit and then call Garbage back! LOL!

January 2, 2009
Well, little buddy, I am going to start writing the essay tomorrow. You have really stunk up the compound, what with all your rotting and shitting. You are a sick bastard. Just kidding. But not really. You’re gross. Hey, the compound is in your name, right? I mean, if someone, say Law Enforcement, were to drop by, they could possibly be led to believe that this is all your doing, right? Because, seriously dude, you look a wreck. Remember Seven? Well, imagine all of those things happening to one person at once. That’s what you look like. This is all your fault.

January 3, 2009
The police dropped by today. They were asking about you. I told them you were in Seattle and that after that, you were going to live with some hippies in San Francisco. They didn’t seem to believe it. I drew a picture of the cops:

January 4, 2009
The cops are banging on the fucking compound door! I hope you can kind of fall off that wood pile I have you on and get to this note. Listen, if the cops somehow find you here, you tell them you haven’t seen me and that I didn’t do this. Tell them you were attacked by bikers or angry pirates or something. Seriously, I can’t go down for this. I have already called Garbage to come pick you up and drop you off at the hospital. If he takes a few chunks out of that one exploded leg of yours, don’t be a jerk. You were going to lose it anyways. God damn it. Garbage better get here. I promised he could do that prison thing to you, too. Listen, don’t take it personally, man. I did this because I love you or something. It’s just… It’s just that you are such a dick sometimes.

None of this would have happened if you would have told me I was an equally masterful essayist and capable of doing the illustrations!

But mainly, none of this would have happened if you had let me have that last nacho two weeks ago.