WE PITCH AN ACTION HORROR MOVIE

All right, man. You need to sit down because we are about to paint the insides of your skull with your blown mind. Are you ready? ARE YOU READY? Good.

America is fed up with the same old, same old. Nobody cares about Bridget Jones’ diaries, nobody cares about a Big Fat Greek wedding, and nobody cares about effeminate, eyeliner-wearing Pirates. According to a recent national study we made up, people care the most about zombies and dinosaurs. There’s a sexiness to zombies and dinosaurs that makes their appeal undeniable and creepy. Mostly creepy. Both have been done separately time and time again but we want to up the ante. You might even say double up the ante. See where we’re going with this?

Do you know how much Jurassic Park made domestically? That movie scored like $350 million. Dawn of the Dead? $51 million. I don’t have my TI-85 on me right now, but imagine how much moolah would have been made if those two movies had been combined. You might think “Obviously, $401 million, sirs” but you’d be naive and wrong. The combined might of these powerhouse institutions (again, zombies and dinosaurs) would stomp and eat the brains of every box office record in recorded or prehistory. What we are suggesting…no, insisting upon…is a movie about zombie fucking dinosaurs. Blood-crazed, rotting dinosaurs literally dying to eat your brains out of your face. There’s money to be made, friend, by dropping a zombie dinosaur masterpiece on movie-goers.

Okay, we’re going to get through the next part quickly because you seem like a bright guy and you’re yawning a lot. The scene opens on old school supercontinent Pangaea. There are volcanoes and palm trees and all that shit you put in that dinosaur diorama you made in middle school. The sets for that part would be cheap because that diorama cost us like ten bucks to make and the volcano actually erupted (thank you, Mr. Wizard!). Anyway, the scene opens on Pangaea. There are some dinosaurs mulling around, eating things and discussing their feelings about the war. All of a sudden, there’s a bright flash on the horizon and a big asteroid meteor falls out of the sky and strikes somewhere in the distance, probably near one of the volcanoes that’s erupting orange foam. The audience is like “Oh snap, that was awesome!” and scoots forward to the edge of their seats. This is when we “hook” the audience and make them realize that if they leave to pee or because their kid vomited, they’ll miss something important. The asteroid’s carrying some sort of crazy zombie space virus that starts infecting the dinosaurs. The carnivores start wrecking shop on the whole planet. The herbivores start getting scared and just die because they’re pussies. After eating all the rest of the carnivores, there’s only a zombie T-Rex and a zombie Velociraptor left. They’re rotting and falling apart and awesome. As they’re squaring off against one another, they’re not paying attention to their surroundings (because zombies are just like that, dinosaurs or not) and fall into a tar pit. All of this happens in the first five minutes.

65 billion years later (or whatever), the zombie dinosaurs remember that they don’t have to breathe and are still ass-kicking dinosaur zombies. They climb out of the tar pit and start grunting with zombie excitement because they see that the earth’s repopulated with new creatures to eat and infect. They look at each other like they want to high five, but then the T-Rex’s arm falls off so they don’t. This is where the shit gets real. Hey, WAKE UP!

Anyways, after being all cooped up in tar-pits for like a zillion years, Zombie T-Rex and Zombie Velociraptor are mad hungry for some serious brains. With the exception of Gary’s All-U-Can-Eat Brain Buffet tucked secretly away in the barrios of East L.A., we all know brains are in short supply in the California area. The audience will know this because when our decaying heroes explode from their tar-pitty (real adjective) graves we will insert a caption that says PRESENT DAY. RETARDED CALIFORNIA. If someone in the theater says, “That doesn’t make any sense. This movie is so fake” we will have ushers (who are really gang members) take them outside and teach them about something we in the biz call “suspension of disbelief.” Wake up.

Back to the movie. After Z-Rex and Velocizombie do a badass world tour of the Midwest (which will include eating babies and old people and visiting the world’s largest ball of twine), they end up in New York City. Why New York? Because Miami is too hot for zombie dinosaurs. Read a book, stupid. By the time they arrive, the U.S. Government will already know that zombie dinosaurs have begun a full-on invasion and be all like, “Oh no you didn’t.” The the president (played by a black actor or “blacktor”) will go into a fit of rage and scream, “Oh Daaaaayyyyum. Aww HAIL no.” After giving the VP (played by Corey Feldman) a fist bump, Black U.S. President will send in a butt-load of helicopters. Get this, though: The helicopter that played Blackout in The Transformers movie is going to be one of these helicopters. Kick ass, huh? Fucking-A right it is. Wake the hell up! Are you stoned?

Again, back to the movie. That is, if you are interested in becoming a gazillionaire. So we see Blackout and the rest of the helicopters attacking the Bejesus out of the zombie dinosaurs. Pedestrians are getting caught in the crossfire and being stomped to pieces while screaming for God to save them. By the way, if there are people who start talking at this point in the movie, it will be okay. We plan to have all new sound systems that go up to 11 thousand installed in any theater (all theaters) that show this movie.

The entire three-and-a-half hours are a pure meat orgy of zombie dinosaur carnage with blood flying everywhere and humanity being ripped about a million new ones. The highest cost in the whole movie will be for fake blood because it will be everywhere. We might even have it pumped into the theaters so deep that the audience will have to swim to the projection booth at the end in order to leave. But some people will just stay in it until they drown because they won’t want to go back to a de-awesomed world like the one away from that screen.

Okay, best part for last: the title. This movie doesn’t need an edge because it’s already super razor sharp, but we’re going to give it one anyway. If we don’t hop on an established franchise train, there might be three or four people on the planet who are like “This movie doesn’t sound awesome.” But those people have to see it if they know the title is…ready? Hey. HEY. EYES OPEN. Anyway, the title is…THE DARK KNIGHT 2 (ZOMBIE FUCKING DINOSAURS (BY WHICH WE DON’T MEAN DINOSAURS THAT FUCK ZOMBIES (WE’RE JUST REALLY EXCITED))). I know, right?

Listen, man…I don’t like your attitude. How can you keep falling asleep during the movie pitch of a lifetime? You’re not the only guy we know in the movie industry. We’re going to wind up pitching this to other people who are going to realize that this movie is LITERALLY a machine you can print money with. Legal money. And the machine is part ape that craps money and then just throws it at you all day long. So don’t stand there telling us there are people in line behind us. This isn’t the only Blockbuster in town, man. Fine…you know what? We will just pay the late fee and go. But you’re making a huge HUGE mistake here. We’re gone.

Oh yeah, don’t forget to give us a call when Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is back on the shelf.