WE PITCH A THEME RESTAURANT

Dear British TV Chef Gordon Ramsay:

We come to you desperately seeking help with our fledgling restaurant. We have seen many, many Kitchen Nightmares commercials and feel you are our best bet for helping relaunch our restaurant, Put It In Your Mouth, with the amazingosity that it deserves. We have no restaurant experience, but who does?

About one year ago, we opened Put It In Your Mouth in what remained of our gutted apartment (with the pending lawsuit, we can’t comment on why it was gutted). With ample two-to-four-people coffee table seating, we thought our basic menu of toastable breakfast foods, raw chicken, and soups would be enough to keep the public happy. That public, extending little beyond our neighbors and other neighbors, was satisfied but generally stopped coming after Toaster Outage ‘08 left us with just soup warmed up in individual bowls on our hot plates and chicken cooked on a metal sheet outside our window in the summer. After paying literally dozens of dollars for the sign out front, hand-written menus, and our comfy chef-like pants, we found ourselves unable to stay above water. We are currently $156,000 in debt because of the restaurant and poor decisions in Las Vegas. One of our rich uncles is more full of life than we’d like, so that particular “investment” has yet to develop. That guy can hold his breath longer than either of us expected. Side note: nurses are nosy.

As you can see, we have the classic definition of a dilemma. But we intend to make your job a little bit easier because we’ve already figured out what we want Put It In Your Mouth to become. We’re aware of the success of theme restaurants like Hard Rock Cafe, Planet Hollywood, and Denny’s. Our thought is to take the idea of celebrity exploitation and exploit it to our own gain. Think about it this way, British TV Chef Gordon Ramsay: what celebrities are the most popular? No, not those. The other ones. Exactly. The dead ones. And what kinds of world events are the most memorable? Pope visits and and charitable concerts? Of course not. Screw the starving African babies. Massacres, murders and terrorist attacks are WAY more appealing. That’s why…wait for it…the theme for Put It In Your Mouth will be…wait for it a little more…dead celebrities and horrible catastrophes. Wipe those shocked, amazed tears out of your eyes and keep reading.

Like we said, we’ve seen clips from your show, so we’re aware that you don’t look favorably on the chiefs (the chiefs being us, of course) hanging in the kitchen with the Indians. Don’t worry, we won’t be using any Indians (dots or feathers). Put It In Your Mouth is right down the street from The Home Depot, so we’ve got a whole bunch of actual Mexican day laborers at our disposal. If Taco Bell is any indication of how well our little brown brothers can cook then we don’t have to worry about how savory and special our dishes are going to be. More importantly, no illegal is ever going to sue us for workman’s comp after getting cancer from the busted microwave we plan to steal from that homeless guy’s cart. Cheap kitchen staff, expert chefs, limited liability: check, check and check.

But enough about the staff (who cares, right?). Most of our changes are going to be in the form of specialty dishes and decor. Like at any good theme restaurant, we want our guests to have an immersive experience and be constantly reminded of where they are. It should be like going to the Epcot of deceased stars (possible marketing slogan?). For instance, the walls will be lined with photographs of the dead celebrities we’re celebrating. But we’re not going to puss out and use photographs of them alive…no, chef. We’re going to hang blown-up post-mortem photographs from floor to ceiling and commission wax models of dead celebrities to put into glass cases. Maybe we could even get some actual dead celebrity skeletons. Even through this electronic transmission, I can see your smile and gentle nodding. You’re right, British TV Chef Gordon Ramsay. This is brilliant.

Let’s talk food. Below is a sample menu of the dishes we intend for you to create the food part for now that we’ve done the hard work of making up the names. We want our specialty to be steak because even vegetarians like steak. All of our steak comes in the form of veal. If customers complain about this, we will lie and tell them it’s grown up veal, hiding our laughter behind our pad things that we write orders down on. What the fuck do you call those things? Whatever. You know what they’re called. You’re the expert.

Here’s our proposed menu:

STARTERS

TWIN TOWERS OF ONION RINGS
An American Classic. Just under 3,000 calories. You’ll never forget this treat.

CHALLENGER CHUTNEY
A run-of-the mill starter with an unexpected explosion of flavor.

SIDES

POTATOES
Chris Farley Loaded & Baked or James Dean Mashed.

BERNIE MAC AND CHEESE
A PIIYM favorite. Everyone seems to love it. We have no idea why.

ANDREA YATER TOT DUNKERS
Drown your tots in an assortment of our classic dipping sauces.

TERRI SCHIAVO VEGGIE PLATTER
If you even care. Toss ‘em out if you want.

ENTREES

How would you like the steak cooked?
GREAT WHITE CONCERT: Well done
RICHARD PRYOR: Medium
TRAVIS BARKER: Rare (still pink in the middle)

THE HAM MAMA CASSEROLE
Gigantic chunks of pig meat crammed into a bowl of noodles and gravy. Make sure to chew.

KURT COBAIN SWEETBREADS EXPLOSION
A blast of yum for the taste buds. You’ll be leaving notes for your friends about this treat. PIIYM’s classic brain food is nothing less than mind-blowing.

KAREN CARPENTER SMART MEAL
Our classic saltine and house water.

STEVE IRWIN CRI-KEY-BOBS
You’ll be shouting “Look at the size of that bugger!” when you see our precision-skewered meats.

JOHN DENVER OMELET
A delight dropped from the heavens, a mound of eggs lined with ground meat. Served with a cocktail of your choice

PHIL HARTMAN PIGS IN A BLANKET
You’ll be screaming for this one in your sleep. Share an order with a loved one.

MARLON STROMBRANDOLI
A delicious bready crust stuffed to capacity with whatever we have laying around. Remember to wear sweatpants for this one!

As you can see from this menu, we are on the right, endearing track to brilliance. We need you to help us decide the right steps in terms of marketing, food preparation, and how to pack lots of customers into 250 square feet of space. We need help deciding how to handle certain issues with which we’ve been wrestling. For instance, we would like to use in our advertising a special appetizer we call Hunger Holocaust. We’ll make it sound huge and life-changing, but once customers come in expecting to order it, they’ll see that there never was such a thing. Would this be considered false advertising or would it be a skillful use of near-hyperbole to get people on our side?

In terms of restaurant layout, we want to provide an optimal family dining experience. Naturally, this means getting the kids out of the parents’ hair. We want to put in John Wayne Gacy’s Clowny Kiddie Corner: so much fun it’s frightening. This will include a menu specifically designed for children with a Color-The-JonBenét section and a Ryan White connect-the-t-cells (spoiler: it’s a coffin!). We want to have a variety of themed booths as well, including the Elvis Presley Toilet Experience, the Day The Music Died Airplane Cabin Booth, the Princess Di Behind The Wheel Booth, and so on. Our imaginations are overflowing and we need you to help contain and implement our ideas.

Also, we’ve decided that Put It In Your Mouth might not be the most tasteful name for our new endeavor. After several serious minutes of brainstorming, we’ve come up with a new name. Ready? READY? A Taste Of Heaven. The way your spine is shivering right now is how we want everyone to react when they see our new sign outside with the menu posted below it.

So that’s it, British TV Chef Gordon Ramsay. Our heartfelt appeal for your assistance and money via your Kitchen Nightmares television program. We know you like to make a big splash on the night of relaunch, so we’ve already sent a MySpace message to Corey Feldman inviting him to be our special guestlebrity for the event. He hasn’t replied yet, but we have a really good feeling about it.

Help us, Gordon Ramsay. Help us so hard.

Sincerely,
David and Brandon