WE PITCH A VIDEO GAME

Fragged again! Goddammit.

All right L33t_D00$h_69, listen up while we re-spawn. For days, we have been holding out on dropping this idea on game-lovers across the galaxy, but we think you are the perfect person to finally hear us out on this. You obviously like video games. Chances are you love video games so much you haven’t been laid in a really, REALLY long time (read: ever). All the better for us. We want the fat, pony-tailed, rarely washed 30-something who lives in a dingy half-finished basement to bear witness to something this amazing. I’m not going to lie. At first we contemplated pitching this idea to the Army recruiter down at the mall as he would totally relate to our pitch. Then, it occurred to us. That dude has a mustache and a real gun and is probably getting laid non-stop. We can’t have that kind of half-assed focus listening to our revolutionary video game pitch. That’s why, L33t_D00$h_69, we want you to help make this happen. We want you to help us drop the most important video game on the faces of anyone who has ever held a controller, joystick, or Power Glove. Are you excited? Have you whipped your dick out of those month-old, tire-marked tighty-whities and started jerking it? Have you, L33t_D00$h_69, blown a fat chunky load all over your Xbox 360? From the heavy panting, we figure our assessment is on point. Well, now that we have your undivided attention, let us tell you about…

Wait.For.It

TANK AND SNIPER!!!!

From looking at your online Xbox Live profile, it’s obvious you’ve played every video game that’s ever been made. And each one for, it appears, years at a time. It’s convenient for us that you don’t have a job or social life. You’re the perfect TANK AND SNIPER test case. Now imagine all of those games mixed together into one Master Game that’s 10% more awesome than the already awesome total between them. That’s right. 10% more awesome than everything ever.

The main characters in TANK AND SNIPER are Tank and Sniper. Tank is a rough-and-tumble badass who’s almost entirely muscles and mustache. He’s always in his tank, which is also named Tank, rolling through battlefields and strip malls wreaking havoc on people who deserve it and/or are present at the time. Tank (the tank) has regular tank shells as well as missiles and machine guns and flare guns and swords. Rows of swords. There’s even an emergency club under the dashboard in case he gets so out of control, Tank has to hit himself. Naturally, Tank (the dude) wears tank tops ALL THE TIME to show off his muscles and, when necessary, have somewhere to tuck his moustache so that it doesn’t get in the way. The controls for Tank (the dude and the tank) are super simple. Move around with the cross thingy and wreck shop with all the rest of the buttons. The buttons don’t even do the same thing from level to level. Tank is so hopped up on testosterone he doesn’t know what’s going on half the time. Sometimes the screen goes solid brown or red depending on his level of machismo. His treads are huge because he never cleans them and they’re caked with bones and third-world shanties and swords that have fallen off the rows of swords.

Sniper is exactly like Tank, except totally different. A completely calculated killing machine, Sniper (full name: The Sniper), was born in the jungle and raised by wolves. Sniper’s only purpose in life is to hide really, really far away from you and then shoot you in the face and balls (at the same time) with one bullet. That’s all Sniper ever needs. All he needs is one bullet and some faces and balls to shoot. Unlike Tank, Sniper has a nostache. He is completely devoid of any hair. Oh, he used to have hair, but he shot it off his own body from a mile away with one bullet. Sniper is voiced by a cold, calculating killing machine you may be familiar with: Edgar Frog, the guy from the Lost Boys who played Corey Feldman in real life. I know what you are thinking: “How can Sniper be as cool as Tank?” After all, Tank is running around in his Tank (that actually runs) and destroying everything from terrorists to nursing homes. How can Sniper compete with that? Sniper kills bunnies and orphans and the cast of The Hills. These are things that have usually run away by the time Tank has arrived. That’s right, lardass, Tank and Sniper are the perfect team of awesome and awesomer.

The game-play is simple because it’s exactly like Halo 3. Except with less creepy monster things and more real life bad guys like politicians and the homeless. Just like in Bad Company, you can blow up anything and everything that gets in your way. Is that building standing between you and the hobo you’re tracking down? Blow it up. Trying to get to an island to take out some local city council members? Blow up the ocean and roll on over. Or just have Sniper take a shot. Enemies in China? Sniper will shoot straight down into the ground and take them out with one bullet. Sometimes only half a bullet. This game is so challenging because the characters are so amazing that’s it’s totally easy. There’s only difficulty setting…TANK AND SNIPER. Every level is like you have every cheat code ever because there’s no one in real or imagined existence who could kill Tank or Sniper. In one level, called Hubris Shmubris, God takes on Tank and Sniper only to get his ass capped from every direction at once and with swords. He’s not even the ultimate boss…check this shit out, land-whale In the end, Tank and Sniper have to fight the nemesis of all that is good and proper and happy in the world: Tyra “Tyra” Banks voiced by ANYONE BUT TYRA BANKS.

Sometimes, however, the going gets a little rough and the two have to team up. Tank screams out his combo battle cry “SNIPER, I WANT YOU INSIDE ME!” Tank, by the way, is voiced by one John Rambo, Vietnam vet and sweaty badass. John Rambo plays Silvester Stallone in real life. Anyway, whatever…Sniper rolls down from whatever hilltop he’s sniping bitches from and slides into Tank (the tank) in one smooth, sensual motion. Sniper props his gun (called Sniper) in one of Tank’s (the tank) gunholes and starts sniping from the inside. Sometimes Sniper will go in and out of Tank repeatedly until he gets nauseous and vomits. This is when you know that what’s gotten real is this shit. Sometimes the cranky black lieutenant (aka blacktenant), voiced by Apollo Creed, aka the guy from Predator, aka the guy from Happy Gilmore, will come on the radio and say things like “You guys are outta control” or “Oh shit…how’m I gonna explain this one?” and “I’m getting too old for this shit” and “Oh, damn…that’s a lot of dead orphans.” Tank and Sniper laugh and then shoot the radio, which respawns every 5 minutes.

You haven’t even asked us about music yet, L33t_D00$h_69. What the fuck, you lonely pudgester? You’re supposed to be our producer. The music has to really reflect the emotional depth of Tank and Sniper. After minutes of serious contemplation, we decided the soundtrack will be 1950s Doo Wop and brain-pulverizing anthems by Norwegian metal band, Mayhem. Those guys rule almost as much as our video game idea. Most games offer a music setting where you can elect to lower the music or even turn it off altogether. Not in TANK AND SNIPER. TANK AND SNIPER will be art in its purest form, and we don’t want pasty, zitty douchewads like yourself bastardizing it. When you are rolling around in Tank annihilating leper colonies or shooting Michael Phelps in the forehead from a different timezone, Mayhem and The Platters will be fundamental to this maverick gameplay. If your parents come down to the basement and try and mute that shit, they will be totally embarrassed when the game won’t allow this to happen. It will be IMPOSSIBLE not to be head banging/synchronized snapping after an hour of TANK AND SNIPER.

So there it is, L33T_D00$h_69. We’ve just filled your waxy earpiece with enough information about TANK AND SNIPER to make it feel like you hit Level 1000 in World of Warcraft and touched your first breast all in the same day. Now it’s your turn. Turn off that XBox for the first time, perhaps ever, and spread the word to your people. Lead the uprising straight to some software company. Pile your massive bodies against the doors of the software company so they can’t leave until TANK AND SNIPER is programmed and has become a bestseller. This is the game that will transcend. We want people like you playing it. We want to see your grandmother fragging fuckers from across the planet. We want your principal and your priest and whoever sponge bathes you rolling in Tank around and thrashing to Mayhem. By this time next week, we want to see the world bowing to the empire that is TANK AND SNIPER. Oh, by the way, stupid, all of the proceeds will go to the charity of our choosing. And we totally choose us. Don’t worry, you’ll be rewarded in our New Awesome World Order. We’ll make you Secretary of Boobs or something. There will be a place for you at our right hands.

In the end, we…wait a minute. Are you still there? L33t_D00$h_69 signed off thirty minutes ago? Fuck. Oh well. Let’s go try this out on that dickhead at Blockbuster.