TSAT LIVE ELECTION COVERAGE

8:00 PM
Welcome to LIVE ELECTION COVERAGE from TSAT. Let’s do this. So far they’re already calling Kentucky for McCain and Vermont for Obama, which is no surprise. Those maple-and-gay-loving Vermontians are endlessly liberal and Kentucky is the Redgrass state for life. No surprises so far. In the future, posts in black are combined, posts in red are from David and posts in blue are from Brandon.


8:01 PM
Hello folks. David here. Brandon, I see they are showing the districts in some of the states. Some are red. Some are blue. Shit, some are white. Do you think there will be any other colors?

I can imagine there might be some mixed-color states and perhaps even states that have patterns. Like plaid and/or other kinds of plaid. I’m excited to see the American rainbow.


8:02 PM
Anna Dos says Let the gauntlet commence…

Robyn says You guys are ridiculously noisy upstairs. Which is completely unrelated to this.

Oh, the gauntlet is commencing so hard, Anna Dos.. So hard. And we don’t know what you’re talking about, Robyn. We’re out at the compound in the middle of the desert that’s made of awesome sand created from shattered Nazi statues. There is no downstairs aside from Hell.

Robyn, you do know that every story of the compound is downstairs. You shameless liberal.


8:08 PM
Wow, these guys on TV talk really, really fast. So far it looks like Obama has 77 electoral votes and McCain has 34. That’s a lot of blue. I’m having trouble keeping up with this stuff. The guy on CNN keeps touching his map, which is just weird. I can imagine that every time there’s a commercial break some little intern runs out with a spray bottle and cleans it down. Which probably hurts CNN Guy’s feelings a little because it makes him feel greasy.


8:13 PM
Brandon, do you remember Alien Versus Predator? You know, the movie with the aliens that sucked worse than Alien 3? This election is kind of like that. Whoever wins, we lose. Which one do you think Barack Obama is and which one is John McCain? I’m thinking McCain is more like the aliens. Only acid could make grody looking yellow teeth like that.

I don’t remember that movie because I didn’t see it. I think you’re just being racist. Or Alienist. Or something.


8:18
Anna Dos says Plus, the Predators were “bad MFs.” That reminds me, need to watch or just return AVP: Requiem so netflix can send me something that doesn’t suck.

Irrelevant.


8:15 PM
Anna Dos says “Pay no attention to those noises coming from upstairs…we are the great and powerful TSAT…”

False. There is no upstairs or downstairs at the compound. There are no stairs at all. Stairs and stair-shaped things are forbidden at the compound.


8:24 PM
I think one of the major “hot button issues” of this election is The Gays. I am not sure if you remember the McCain Obama debate where both parties said they don’t think The Gays should be married. Who do you think The Gays are voting for? I think women The Gays, I think they are called lesbians, are pretty pissed off that Hillary didn’t win in the primaries. That was their guy.


8:35 PM
Jason Kenney says Do you think that high voter turnout is a good thing or does it simply create issues when trying to get to lunch?

That’s a fair and balanced question, Jason. I do think high voter turnout is something that needs to be reviewed from an intensely conservative eye. The more that people are out of work voting, the more Mexicans can come and take our jobs. In essence, people voting are destroying America and running us out of jobs. So if you went to vote today, it’s a double-edged sword. It’s a good thing since it’s your patriotic duty to vote, but while you were busy doing that some crazed Al Qaeda Mexican may have taken your job.





8:37 PM
Robyn says Question! What did they define as ‘married’?

Robyn! What do you mean by “they?” The Gays? The Blacks? The Farmers? The Nerds?

I bet it’s the nerds. The nerds are always making up their own rules. Like what can and can’t be done with dice. That’s for Vegas to decide.


8:42 PM
Obama just took Pennsylvania, according to CNN. This only means that the Amish really don’t hate black people like everyone seems to think. I think this is an important moment for Pennsylvania. More important than the Steelers destroying the Redskins or that other team winning the World Cup or whatever. A black dude just showed the Amish that as long as he’s rich and half-white, his race is nothing to be afraid of.

Obama is now winning the election game by 102 points to 34. McCain is not 1337.


8:45 PM
Robyn says Whoever was asking the candidates about their opinions on The Gays getting married. Screw Vegas, only Mr. Gygax can tell you what to do with dice. And don’t ever listen to what Wizards of the Coast tell you to do with dice. You have been warned.

Mr. Gygax is dead, so unless someone’s given him a rejuvenation potion or an herb of…not…dying or something, he isn’t defining any more rules. Just because he created DnD doesn’t make him a dice god. If he created dice, maybe. But he didn’t. He turned Lord of the Rings into a gathering piece for nerds. Which has its applications (keeping them away from normal people), but doesn’t make him the Dice Emperor. I don’t remember the rest of your question.

No more questions about nerdy things, Brandon. At least not that nerdy. Let’s stay focused. How is your Election Day jalapeno and pineapple pizza?

It’s awesome and makes my stomach smile.


8:58 PM
Anna Dos says B, How’s your campaign for Emperor going? Everyone should go to Vegas. Let’s all go now. Boo Steelers, Boo.

Robyn says A2 has fantastic ideas.

Anna, Brandon is busy doing rated NC-17 things with his pizza. Yeah, it’s that good. I’ll go ahead and answer the Emperor question for him. There are no such thing as emperors. Just go ahead and keep that from him, though. He lives in a happy world where emperors eat terrorists and beautiful women bring their men nachos served on their boobs.

Actually, I like the idea of emperors existing. Sit tight, I am deluding myself. Great! Deluded! There’s no such thing as Vegas, though.

Vegas is a figment of The Man’s imagination. Except that’s where they make the dice rules. If they even exist.


9:11 PM
So far CNN is projecting that Obama is owning the electoral colleges in Wisconsin, Michigan and a whole bunch of other hard-to-spell states.

Brandon, what I am interested on is the final showdown that will go down in McCain’s home state of Arizona. I wonder if CNN or MSNBC or FOX have built a special caged room for McCain and Obama to actually fight in when Arizona is on the floor. I can just imagine McCain wearing nothing but a Depends diaper and wielding a cane and Obama just standing there with a huge dick and then BOOM! The fight of the century! A battle royale, if you will. Who do you think would win in the cage match over Arizona?

I’m assuming that fight would go to Obama, who is a lot younger and more spry. At this point, were the actual election results the metaphorical backbone of such a battle, Barack Obama is literally wiping his ass all over John McCain’s face. And it’s not a clean ass, either. It’s like he’s been jogging for days first and hasn’t wiped in a couple, I don’t know, weeks. That’s my answer.


9:25 PM
Looks like the score stands at 174 to 69 and Fox News is punishing us by playing Hank Williams, Jr. Not cool, Fox News. Not cool.

9:36 PM
You know, Brandon, everyone is saying Barack Obama is pretty much Jesus. So if he wins, what does that mean for the Jews? But more importantly, does that mean he will start curing people of diseases and walking on water?

Wow. You are retarded. Of course he will.


9:38 PM
Obviously this has been a historic election for America. If Obama wins, it will be the first time a half-black president was ever elected. If McCain wins, it will be the first time an actual living mummy was elected. It will also be the first time since the Clinton Administration that someone with a vagina had any say in politics. So what does this mean for America? I’m thinking if McCain wins, all the black people will lose forever and slavery will begin again. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s what my neighbor who wears pillowcase hats says. On the other hand, what will happen if Barack wins? I am sure that after this election he will be so tired of old people and hockey moms that all old people and hockey moms will be dragged off to camps. Old hockey moms? DOUBLE enslavement.


9:42 PM
Anna Dos says Artistic rendering suggestion: a death match between wolf blitzer and shepard smith for control of the sheep…i mean…voters…get it?

I appreciate your faith in my artistic skills, but I have to format this stuff, write stuff, and make David’s stuff funny in addition to the illustrations. I don’t have time for well-rendered stuff. Did you see the crappy Obama drawing? And sheep are cuddly. Don’t hate.


9:43 PM
CNN says McCain has 69 points. Huh huh.





9:55 PM
Brandon, we can pretty much see that Barack is destroying McCain at the polls right now, so let me digress for a moment:

Who do you think has the smelliest farts out of all the candidates. Biden and Palin can be options in this game as well.

You would think that McCain would take the stink cake on this one if you have ever smelled a nursing home bathroom, but think about Obama’s health food diet. The only thing I can think of that might smell worse than a senior citizen’s ass breath is the explosive flatulence of someone who eats so many legumes and vitamin supplements that it actually cripples noses when it is expelled. What’s your take on this? I think this is something voters need to consider. Feel free to comment on Biden and Palin’s gas, as well.

Let me digress from your digression for a moment. Let’s consider a different query. Out of the two of us, who writes the dumber, more juvenile questions? Now you might think that because I’m writing a question in answer to a question, that’s kind of dumb. But then again, let’s consider the fact that you just asked me which candidate flatulates most fiercely. I think that if we were to have this contest of questions for real, I would probably win as the smarter question asker. I don’t know…it’s a hypothetical. Let’s leave it up to the commenters to decide.

Brandon, you have not answered my question: Who has smellier farts? And don’t even try and bring up that “juvenile approach to writing” shit. You act like more of a baby than a fucking fetus. I fucking own you at being mature. And, yes I am using profanity more frequently than normal. Because I am a big boy, and big boys are allowed to call you a cock-faced shit-muncher. NOW WHO HAS THE SMELLIER FUCKING FARTS?!?

You, God damn it. You have the smelliest farts.


10:05 PM
Anna Dos says Fine, but I’m counting on a Sistine Chapel-style mural for 2012.

Anna. Anna, Anna, Anna. How many non-exist existent things are you going to bring up? The Sistine Chapel does not exist. Let’s try and stay focused on what tonight is all about: Black versus Old. And farts.

You’re like a giant child. A giant, fart-and-semen-obsessed child. But yeah, I’m sick of the urban legend of the Sistine Chapel. Time for snopes.com to investigate!


10:25 PM
Ryan says So the final numbers are in–Fredericksburg is 64% for Obama. That means we are officially a blue city. How can we cheer up?

“How can we cheer up?” What the hell, Ryan?! You have been sending the TSAT compound non-stop e-mails and mailings and text messages about how we should vote for Obama (despite our insistence that we are a pro-Nader site). And now you seem to be suggesting that it is a bad thing that Obama is winning. What is your damage? I think Obama is going to turn the whole state of Virginia blue with his blackness and you will have to find elsewhere to cheer up, you McCainanite.

10:58 PM
You know what, stupid? I think you just have an elitist attitude. You think you are so cool. “Oh, look at me. I’m Brandon, and I take the road less traveled where there are no fart jokes and where I am the only artiste of TSAT.” Well guess what, B.J. Carr? I am also going to be an artist. Here:

11:00 PM
Well, they’ve just called the election for Barack Obama on all of the major news channels and internetweb sites. So I guess that means we don’t really have much else to say tonight. Aaaand I just brewed a pot of coffee. So, uh, what’s up? How are you?

11:18 PM
Ding and Dong says That’s nice and all, but where are your holograms? CNN has live holograms. They’re like really THERE and stuff.

I know, I know. It’s a real pain in the ass. We actually had one reserved, but CNN took it. So no, Ding and Dong, we have no hologram machines. But we do have well-executed pictures of Barack Obama and John McCain. Maybe “executed” is not a good word at this time. Anyways, we have well drawn pictures of McCain and Obama and a dick in an American flag-styled top hat.


11:27 PM
Robyn says Oh God, it’s Finally Over.

I assume you’re referring with such exasperation to the end of the election season and not the end of our compelling coverage. We’re not done yet.


12:00 AM
Robyn says What more is there to cover?

What more, indeed? In fact, I suppose you’re right. It is time to bring this to a close. It’s been an exciting, stupid night. We’ve seen history made tonight…history in that it was the first election in American history covered live at These Stories Are True. I think that David and I have done a wonderful job here tonight of keeping you, Gentle Sweaty Reader, entertained and mildly informed. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I check the compound mail in the morning and find a Nobel prize wedged in the mail slot. Maybe even an Oscar as well. How are you feeling right now, David

Amazing, Brandon. I am feeling amazing. There are so many people I would like to thank for helping us to make such a historical impact on Internet reporting. But I’m not going to because, fuck that. Good job Me and Brandon. That’s really all that is important. Some election between a black guy and an old guy happened, and then one of them won. I think the black guy was the winner, right? Okay, the news says Barack won. I’m waiting for a picture. Okay, there’s a picture of Barack Obama. He’s the black one. Woo-hoo! Black U.S. President. I think what is most historic about a black U.S. president winning is that it puts us that much closer to making THE DARK KNIGHT 2: ZOMBIE FUCKING DINOSAURS.

Thank you America. You are special or something. Now stayed tuned next week for your regularly scheduled truth load.

Had to end it with a semen joke, didn’t you? Giant. Child.